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1.
When I’m happy I miss my shadow But when I’m sad she reaches forth her loving hand So that I’m wrapped up so tightly that I feel like I have died. Sometimes I wonder if life would be Any easier if I was free of her Loving arms or would I feel like I have died? What would I be, if I could see Only the light inside? I know it’s no sin to want to be happy. If you’re buying dreams you need to be wary. Not lose touch with what’s real Or crave too much the feel of your shadow’s loving arms. I guess we all swing both dark and light make up everything. You can make a stand but each fevered brow needs a soft cool hand That’s why each time I fall back into her loving arms. Till I recoil and I once more fall back into her loving arms.
2.
There’s a time to feel blessed and a time to feel numb But I’m not trying to impress you when I say I feel something’s wrong. I toss and turn and I wake in fright Foolish concerns keep me awake each night I’d confess but even God can’t see Half the worries I’m dragging with me You were saying that worry’s praying for what you don’t want How can I get it right? I’ve done it all my life It’s hard to thrive when it’s fear or flight. I keep saying, I’m not praying but making good on what life’s shown me. I know it sounds perverse, the darkness gets in first When we’re sinking and it’s time to leave. Yes I have a small problem with authority. But I’ve also stopped hoping that there’s more than what’s in front of me. Well I’ve pissed them all off again. I can’t really say that I’ve missed them when they greet me like a blow torch flame. That’s how I know I was right to keep myself awake each night I know there’s more sometimes it’s hard to see Past these failing I’m dragging with me. You keep saying the dark is preying so I can’t get what I want. Takes all my hope away so I should start to pray If I’m to get some reward from life. But I keep saying, it seems we’re praying on things we’re afraid to do. I shouldn’t be surprised there’s no more alibis Fears come knocking and it’s time to move.
3.
There’s a time to feel blessed and a time to feel numb But I’m not trying to impress you when I say I feel something’s wrong. I toss and turn and I wake in fright Foolish concerns keep me awake each night I’d confess but even God can’t see Half the worries I’m dragging with me You were saying that worry’s praying for what you don’t want How can I get it right? I’ve done it all my life It’s hard to thrive when it’s fear or flight. I keep saying, I’m not praying but making good on what life’s shown me. I know it sounds perverse, the darkness gets in first When we’re sinking and it’s time to leave. Yes I have a small problem with authority. But I’ve also stopped hoping that there’s more than what’s in front of me. Well I’ve pissed them all off again. I can’t really say that I’ve missed them when they greet me like a blow torch flame. That’s how I know I was right to keep myself awake each night I know there’s more sometimes it’s hard to see Past these failing I’m dragging with me. You keep saying the dark is preying so I can’t get what I want. Takes all my hope away so I should start to pray If I’m to get some reward from life. But I keep saying, it seems we’re praying on things we’re afraid to do. I shouldn’t be surprised there’s no more alibis Fears come knocking and it’s time to move.
4.
I am what’s coming the little hope left when you turn and start marching home From the bridge you burnt I am the groan the hiss that rose in disappointment the little compromise you learn when you return from the bridge you burnt Fortune loves you best When your heart knows no rest It brought you here to build But you chose to break its will And made those bridges burn I am the summoning the shit that’s coming down on you You can’t refuse Now your bridge is burnt I plant the seeds I am the weeds that bring the rightening Returning all that’s over thrown The grass that’s grown On the bridge you burnt.
5.
Your inner child is screaming again. So loud and long you neglect the one You have bourn and need to tend. We all fall down But we must get up again. Get off the phone And hold her. Hold her. Her heart is breaking. Some say they’re born this way. But most of us get fucked up along the way. Trust can be stunted and killed And leave a hole that can never be filled We may become pure creatures of pain If our hearts get broken again and again They took half a lifetime to mend. But when the screaming starts those childhood scars They open right up again. I don’t blame you but you need to care my friend. Because if you don’t who’ll hold her? Hold her? When her heart is breaking?
6.
One moment I drink hope The next I’m choking on despair My Life’s an oscillation A search for finding reasons to care And while I know Some look to higher powers Others call on selfish needs That’s how we spend the hours The devil you know is likely to show if another gets to know you One moment love is king The next the heat of hate’s my thing In this world of disparate moods The core I claim it often moves. That’s how I know If your seeking perfect meaning Logic it won’t get you far Unless there’s room for feeling The devil you know who’s likely to show if another gets to know you
7.
We Celebrate The ease of connection like it’s our natural state Praise the external play down the inside “How ya going, enjoying the ride?’ I feel soiled by the choice in my life This deal still leaves me empty inside. We’re told we’re born with free will You can go where you want to choose the blue or red pill How many are offered? How many perceive what’s fact and what’s only belief? Each time you witness the devil in the man It’s harder to see the human again Where nothing’s eternal and nothing is pure Decay and corruption’s inevitable I see how brilliant the outside does shine I feel like something is rotting inside Freedom’s the message, how to get it’s unclear While everyone’s called not all choose to hear Too many sounds clashing and crowding our ears Trading on our comfort and fears. I feel like something is dying inside This deal is leaving me empty.
8.
Was there ever a pure day Filled with wonder and empty of shame When desire embraced us all And we didn’t shun its call. Received wonder forked its tale Hollow thunder has taken its place Desire disgraced us all And now the outside overwhelms And no one can tell me if the journey’s ended. They only try and sell me ideals patched and mended. It’s like they say you run to the light after you die To give away the solitude and quiet. To lose the darkness is to lose your life. You once told me I had my chance The steps you showed me but I wouldn’t dance I let the quiet embrace me That’s how I found the way to flee But now they’re closing in hungry and distracted Trying to take from me the silence I’ve extracted. It’s like they say you run to the light after you die To give away the solitude and quiet. To lose the darkness is to lose your life.
9.
Some day You might get the best of me Until that time all your arses are mine Don’t be surprised that you don’t get much sympathy. If you’re keen to play Remember this is my game. Some say You can change your destiny But in these times where so much is entwined Don’t be surprised if you don’t get to live that dream You were keen to play. Remember this is my game. My way, Is the way of equality. You will find when all the answers combine The game won’t work without the quirks of mortality You’re still keen to play? I treat you all just the same. Don’t like the things you see? You can depend life’s plotting your end So friend come and dance with me I’ll wake the fear inside you. My name Is no matter of secrecy In the end I help you clean up my friend. Spend your payout, your final redundancy. Even if you still want to play No one gets a choice At the end of this game I will silence your voice.
10.
I can’t help but feel A delicious and deranged revulsion To the cogs and wheels That are building up more Sex starved and money hungry spawn It’s painful to see An extinction event in slow motion But that’s the deal When you keep breeding more Sex starved and power hungry spawn. This is where my darkest fears are leading me On a barge, mere debris cast into the sea A floating mass of petrified dependency Sunbaked we ride upon the tide to be broken down, broken down. No land in sight, we wake in fright we’re broken down, broken down On wind and wave or flesh is splayed we’re broken down, broken down The seabirds prize our jellied eyes we’re broken down, broken down Our flesh transformed, as fish reborn we’re broken down, broken down Broken down Let me share with you all the shit I’ve found. Let’s bask for a moment, in life’s weary glow Then end up laughing, understanding that we’ll never know This life we rent May be priceless or not worth a cent, Until we come to know The lightness that comes from letting go.
11.
There are no final winners or losers. Just random recipients of life’s bruises We must all go along making up our own song and meaning. There is no pause, no escape button, one exit clause. No control Z, just this endless loop running in your head. Why? Why, why, why, Will no answer come? And all you can do is laugh or cry. Sometimes the mews of purveyors of truth are intriguing. Sometimes their promises weigh my sweet tolerance down. Don’t hasten your light unto me. Wrap me in doubt, let me be Free from the weight of this straight jacket of certainty. So this is the season the end of doubt, the ascent of reason? The over abundance of how. The gimme shimmy we must all dance now Scream, “Mine! Mine, mine, mine!” Till the final cry when all you can do is Say goodbye? Bye bye. Bye Bye.

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released December 1, 2019

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t.k. bollinger Melbourne, Australia

A connoisseur of dark moods and plaintive melodies, t.k. bollinger is an explorer on the road less travelled. His musical children are songs of contrite and emotionally challenged characters confessing their darkest fears and tortured realisations.
They speak of the usual things – love, abuse, neglect and the small triumphs and tiny truths that gleen in our day to day growth and survival.
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