Naked Despair

by t.k. bollinger

/
1.
03:11
I have trained myself with the best of excuses To explain away the shit I have to take. No there’s nothing as convenient as indifference To help me justify the ways that I connive with denial. It’s hard to sometimes justify The cards I choose to play in life. And I forget it’s the greatest disrespect of all To be ungrateful for what I’ve got. I tend to depend on all the things I find easy To defend and I send the hard choices away. I tell myself if I take them on it will bring only pain. I convince myself the only way is for things to stay the same. I can’t explain is it just a first world kind of complaint To feel ungrateful for what I’ve got. Can you blame me there are so many battles to choose from. We must draw the blinds on other’s pain sometimes. But there’s nothing as convenient as indifference To help me justify the ways that I connive with denial.
2.
Where do I get off Berating the desires Of people that I come across And do not know? What does this anger show About me and my own fragility? I know I bring you down And I can’t bear To see you standing there On the same ground as me. I know you want to fly – Fly away and not come back again. But that would break me, Shatter, Unmake me. You won’t complete me But you help this fractured fiction remain Contained. Will we ever know The sweet contentment The end of doubt That every love song seems to crow about. Not this resentment. Like mold on grout devouring love’s certainty. You know this brings me down And I can’t bear To see you standing there In this dark pit with me. You know I need to fly – Fly away and not come back again. I need to break this, Shatter, Unmake this, And face the darkness that this fractured fiction contains And drain The bitterness.
3.
The ties that bind me, We once spoke in chorus. Now they remind me, That our hearts they stay porous. Let me go. I can no longer believe you. Let me go, let me go. Your anger never will leave you. That’s why you’ve found me With a hope that is broken. I can’t correct this one glaring defect Or risk my life for a token. Let me go. I can no longer stay silent. Let me go, let me go. I’ve had enough of this violence. I’ll leave you to your game, sit here with the shame, Because I don’t want to play no more. You’ll have to take the blame one day When you can’t runaway no more. What still astounds me, It’s possible to live with this. A defect I can only correct With the miracle of forgiveness. Let me go. Fear will only preserve this. Let me go, let me go. I don’t believe I deserve this. I’ll leave you to your game, sit here with my shame, Because I won’t take the blame no more. You’ll have to face the same one day When you can’t runaway no more. I’ll leave you to your game, sit here with the shame, Because I don’t want to play no more. You’ll have to take the blame one day When you can’t runaway no more.
4.
04:37
As I grow older and put on rust There are not many that I would trust I make my meaning from day to day Hoping that no one will find out the games that I play. To burst this bubble that keeps me blind I must see my troubles are in my mind Here at the bottom cleaning up the mess I cling to the mind frame that I am still totally blessed. This is one of those times that I know I must stare at the sun Naked stripped to the bone with the beauty, the horror of all that I’ve done. Sad but it’s true very few want to see we’d rather hide in our naivety. When shit hits the shoe you can choose to leave or take responsibility. While I am breathing I hope that I Don’t find a reason to change my mind While there are troubles there’s also hope The miracle of the smile of a stranger can help me to cope. There will always be times when I know I must stare at the sun Naked stripped to the bone with the beauty, the horror of all that I’ve done. Sad but it’s true very few want to see we’d rather hide in our naivety. When shit hits the shoe you can choose to leave or take responsibility.
5.
With all the drink gone In the melt of cheer. That’s when it came on The rising tide of fear. I kept my head down When he called my name Songs of hope, songs of pride Touched my lips, then they died Washed away by tears of shame By tears of shame. It was too much for me to feel It was too much for me to feel hope for one second It was too much for me to feel. I had a hold on The slimmest of hopes But when he came on I just couldn’t cope I kept my head down When he reached for me Songs of hope, songs of pride Touched my lips, then they died Washed away by blood and tears By blood and tears It was too much for me to feel It was too much for me to feel hope for one second It was too much for me to feel.
6.
While I despise you I won’t let you get to me. Every shot you’ve fired and forgot left its mark. Tears another hole inside my heart And those lesions they add up. You leave all bloated and puffed up feeling tough. If there is an upside to this connection, All the trauma that you fed to me made me see. Every hole you left inside my heart is a mark of pride. I know that I’m the one that’s tough I survived. One thing I know that you’ve taught to me I ain’t no piss weak bully. One thing I don’t ever want to be Is another piss weak bully. Anger can save you. It can also betray you. Like a junky needing to dose up there’s a cost. It tears another hole inside your heart As resentment adds up. Before you know you’ve grown your own emotional thug. I hope that time grants me this one small concession To rid myself of all the hate I feel towards you. I couldn’t bear to know that I and that ugly pride Could make another cold inside and pass on this lie. One thing I know I never want to be Is another piss weak bully. That’s why I won’t let you get to me I won’t be no piss weak bully.
7.
Is it my place to tell you these failings that I have That I hold inside me and I see in you as well? A father’s hand can be safe but rough. And a father’s command may never know when to say enough is enough. I may be the first to break your heart Like I was the first to hold you when it all fell apart. I want to say that tomorrow won’t be just like today. Everybody has to make their own mistakes. Don’t be like me, too proud to build upon the ashes of the bridges You burn down. It’s not my place to tell you to believe in me or care Since I’ve placed in your heart a weight you shouldn’t have to bear. A father’s love should not wane or bend, But a father’s pride can eat away inside and eclipse the good love intends. Yes I damned myself because I broke your heart, But I never sought to drag you through this hell and damn you too when it all fell apart. I hope and pray that tomorrow won’t feel just like today. Everybody has to make their own mistakes. Don’t be like me, too proud to build upon the ashes of the bridges You burn down. I hope you learn how To forgive your old man.
8.
When I was a younger man I thought that life held answers. That I was the part of some great plan, In step with other holy dancers. Now I am an older man And the only plan that I see Is the one that lies in my own schemes Or the pulse of other desiring machines. One thing that I see clear Sometimes we hurt what we most hold dear. Look for the logic but I just can’t find Your intelligent design. Design Sometimes we all need a scapegoat to believe the shit that people do. Sometimes there’s no reason that you can perceive in what you’re going through. But that’s no reason to deny your That’s no reason to defer your responsibility. We must go down many roads Before we reach our destination One thing I know that there’s no GPS That will guide you through every situation I’m not saying don’t believe If you think you’ve found the answer. Just don’t try and sell it to me. One size fits all is the way of cancer. There are things that I hear From ones who claim to hold you dear That bear no logic sense or rhyme or Intelligent design. Design Sometimes we all need a scapegoat to believe the shit that people do. Sometimes there’s no reason that you can perceive in what you’re going through. But that’s no reason to deny your That’s no reason to defer your But that’s no reason to deny your That’s no reason to defer your responsibility.
9.
I know this shit’s hard Living with me’s putting in the hard yards. I’ve got it good it’s plain to see In fact, how much better can it be. I’m trying to pull my weight If you want the truth, sometimes that’s too great. If love could change me, it would have by now. I can see the what, but I don’t know the how. I’m staring down my demons To make this thing work, But they’re cold and cruel And they try to fool Me not into believing you. I’m staring down my demons To make this thing work But I need you To remind me to Carry on believing you. Everything I do I feel is no good If I’d only act more like I should. When everything you care about is hard to conceive You need a lot of help to hold that belief. Every night I try to talk it through But there’s something missing in me – How to conquer this sinking feeling – How to get it through, what matters to me. If I knew how, to reach past this darkness I’d do it now But I can’t choose, There’s dark in me and in you we only can accept it’s true If I knew how, to reach past this pain I’d do it now But I can’t choose, There’s dark in me and in you we never can run from this truth.

about

These songs are some of the choice pieces I composed over the southern winter 2013. While these tunes will be further developed with my backing project That Sinking Feeling, I wanted to get an idea of how they sounded as self performed acoustic arrangements. I was so impressed with the result that I felt it would be selfish not to share them.

The main lyrical inspiration came from my reflections on the machinations of abuse in personal relationships. Abuse is not only of the ugly publicised variety i.e. physical violence, but also has a more common, and insidious form – the subtle put downs we pass on flippantly; the unconscious neglect we perpetrate by filling our days with our own plans and neglecting the needs of our children or partners; the bullying we endure or dish out directing our will upon others, forgetting that we all are thinking, feeling and highly evolved personalities. This is the toxic shit that wears us down over many years into a state of indifference and emotional constipation.

That being said, these songs are not maudlin, but seek to celebrate survival of the trials of abuse and neglect that everyone endures over the course of their lives and at various levels of fuckedupness. What makes us spectacularly human is our ability to learn, to forgive and to move on; to strip ourselves down, become naked in despair, and then reclothe ourselves as another, hopefully stronger, self.

The voice and guitar were recorded live to tape, with no overdubs, on the 12th of November 2013. Melodica and backing vocals were added over the following weeks.

Thanks for listening.

credits

released December 1, 2013

t.k. bollinger – Guitar, voice, melodica

license

tags

about

t.k. bollinger Melbourne, Australia

A connoisseur of dark moods and plaintive melodies, t.k. bollinger is an explorer on the road less travelled. His musical children are songs of contrite and emotionally challenged characters confessing their darkest fears and tortured realisations.
They speak of the usual things – love, abuse, neglect and the small triumphs and tiny truths that gleen in our day to day growth and survival.
... more

contact / help

Contact t.k. bollinger

Streaming and
Download help

Redeem code

Report this album or account

If you like t.k. bollinger, you may also like: